What Am I Doing?

Anyone feel like they are going through a midlife crisis but in their 20s? Yes? No? Just me? Mhhh, okay.

I am rotting in this bed like someone who does not have a direction in life. I mean, it feels like I don’t and soon I will be done with school and I do not know what it is I want to do with my life. I want to be everywhere and nowhere at once. I want the money, I do not want to work for it, but then again, isn’t that everyone? I have done my fair share of university and it feels as if I don’t know anything. All these thoughts are of someone who is very much confused about her life right now, what do you call it? Midlife crisis? Except I am not in my mid-life years, I’d say.

Everyday, I see people going about their lives, doing what they love and I do not know what I want. Of course, it’s not okay to compare yourself with others but isn’t that how it has always been, I mean, some people wouldn’t be where they are now if they hadn’t stopped comparing themselves, yes? Or that’s just me.

Let me break it down to you, my story, I mean, as if you were the one living it:

Every day, you wake up. Check your phone, not even pray, meditate, or do anything not related to using your phone- you wake up and use it. You wonder, you have spent the last 3 years in a foreign country, learning, crying, laughing, and doing all you can, and are only left with about 7 months of school and you do not know what to do anymore. What life will bring for you.

At some point, you thought about staying in said country you are schooling in, maybe you’ll find work, you thought. But how could you, when it’s already hard for the citizens to find one themselves? So you decide, you are going back home. But you are conflicted, what will you do? It feels as if you no longer know yourself, or maybe you never did. As if the world has stripped you bare of your identity and you are at a crossroads you do not know where each road leads to.

Every day, you wake up, you see people going about with their lives and you know, they probably have their stuff (I really wanted to curse here) going on but they seem to have figured it out yet you, on the other hand, feel like you’re withering away. You know you have to do something, talk to people, hunt for internships, jobs, anything to secure the bag but there’s a force pulling you down, making you think, again and again, ‘I'm not good enough.’ ‘ was this the right course?’ Every day, you question yourself, ‘What is it that you really love and want?’ And you cannot answer, maybe 15 years old you would have but now, it all seems to have vanished. Every day, you think you’re going to do something but you don’t. Because you are always thinking, ‘What if it goes wrong?’ ‘What do I really want to do?’ And every day, you wake up with no answer. Every day, you see people doing what they love and you wonder, what could have possibly gone wrong with you? And with each passing day, you wake up knowing what you want to do less and less. So, tell me, what would you have done in this situation?

It feels as though there is a lot happening yet at the same time, there isn’t. Let me let you in on another story:

Growing up, I thought I had it all figured out about what I wanted, okay, maybe not all but, at some point, I wanted to be a civil engineer (I didn’t know what that really entailed (lol)) and then I wanted to be a social worker, yup, that’s me, and I don’t think that’s a bad one, I really would have applied to study one. I was a go-getter, I went for everything that came my way and I would be very excited to do it. I would jump (when I say jump, I mean jump) at every opportunity presented to me, but now, I feel overwhelmed by most things and I do not know what to do, ever felt that way?

If you are wondering what happened to my career, I am now doing journalism (le journalisme, in French t’hehe) and don’t get me wrong, I love it, I enjoy it, I don’t know if it’s the one? You know how people find their ones? Their soulmates? Yes, that’s it for me, I don’t know what it is that I really want to do, and with this bed and phone still here, I am afraid I am losing my success to laziness.

All I am saying is, It is so hard growing up knowing what you want to do and then life throws a few books at you and makes you fall in love with them then you choose a career related to that. Then when you are at it, you don’t know what you are doing and when you realise that, time has gone and time doesn’t wait for no man, it continues ticking (tick tock).